On Thursday, Jimmy Kimmel celebrated Joe Biden’s decision to pardon all prior federal offenses for simple possession of marijuana, which affects more than 6,000 Americans. “The decision stops before full decriminalization, which will probably have to wait until we have a president Woodrow Harrelson or something,” Kimmel joked.
But “it’s the most pro-cannabis decision by a U.S. president to date,” he continued. “And for one, I’m just glad Willie Nelson is alive to see this happen.”
Kimmel also mocked Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker, an anti-abortion Republican who came out this week to have paid for his then-girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. The woman also said she had a child with Walker, who hasn’t been outspoken on the campaign trail about her number of descendants.
“To be fair to Herschel, he has a lot of mothers with a lot of children, so he’s supposed to remember them all?” Kimmel joked. “At this point, Herschel Walker has twisted his life so badly that they should give him the Lies-man trophy.”
After the bombshell report on Walker’s stance on private abortion, “Republicans are scrambling to try to figure out how to handle this,” Kimmel said. “Should they continue to support him for the Senate? Or are they asking him to drop out so he can run for president in two years?
“It’s something that should have been done a long time ago,” said Trevor Noah of Biden’s pardon for federal marijuana offenses. “Can you imagine being pardoned for this after seeing how common weed has become in America? I bet witches probably feel the same way, you know – ‘Oh so these hipster girls can walk around Brooklyn with their candles, but when I do the same, I got burned!”
Seriously, “this is really good for America,” the Daily Show host said.
“I know everyone says Joe Biden is only doing this to increase his popularity before the midterms,” he added. “But in my opinion, I think this thing might be hitting closer to home. I wouldn’t be surprised if Joe Biden was secretly a huge pothead.
“Think about it: Joe Biden could smoke a lot of weed,” he noted. “He always hangs around like he’s forgotten where he’s going, he wears sunglasses everywhere he goes. I mean, he definitely talks like he’s stoned.
“That sneaky Joe Biden created an October surprise on Republicans by doing something popular,” said Stephane Colbert marijuana forgiveness. “Today Dark Brandon has become Dank Brandon.”
Colbert also announced that the woman who says Herschel Walker paid for her abortion in 2009 also had a child with him. “Come on man! How many secret kids does this guy have? Does he know he doesn’t get a free smoothie after 10?”
Asked by campaign reporters if he had contacted any of the mothers of his children, Walker replied: “No…why do I need it?”
“Perhaps to find out how your children are doing?” Colbert replied “Remember? The ones you don’t remember? Plus there are so many, statistically it’s probably one of their birthdays.
And late at night, Seth Meyers reviewed the state of the midterm races with less than a month to go before the election. Republicans have named numerous pro-Trump deniers, “and although the opposition party is historically always heavily favored to perform well in off-year elections, Republicans are stumbling towards the finish line after several of their pro-Trump candidates -Trump Maga just completely imploded,” he said.
A GOP candidate from Ohio lied about his military servicePennsylvania Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz was accused of killing more than 300 dogs in his science experiments, and then there’s Herschel Walker’s hypocrisy about abortion in Georgia.
“The craziest thing is that the GOP never runs out of ways to shock you,” Meyers said. “Democrats may have their flaws, but the GOP is like a magnet for all those pathological liars with incredibly sordid pasts.
“I can’t even begin to imagine who Trump is going to endorse next,” he continued, especially given new details about Trump in Man of confidencea more than 600-page account by New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman published this week.
During a cable appearance, Haberman said Trump “believes everyone is like him. Everything is a transaction, everything can be traded, everything can be reduced to a market. There are no red lines. And so showing that there are no red lines always makes him happy.
“Honestly, I didn’t think there was anything that made Trump happy, but now we know there is one thing: making us unhappy,” Meyers said. “Like his mood will never change, but if he lowers our moods enough, his sour existence will count as happy and then, I don’t know, he’ll have a morning show where they spell his name with an exclamation point?”